An Alphabet: Understanding Asia
from Groove Korea
by Canadian comedian Brian Aylward
A is for Asia: Thanks for the clothes, kids.
B is for Bangkok: If you ever find yourself in Bangkok and someone asks you to go to a "ping pong show," trust me, you don't need paddles.
C is for Canada: Many Americans traveling around Asia claim to be Canadian. It's not a bad idea, as many Asians dislike Americans. Also, Canadians and Americans are very similar. Canadians are like Americans, who read.
D is for Dog Soup: In Korea, some people eat dog soup. While living in Korea, I choose not to eat it. It was not a moral decision, but a mental one. I believe the broth in dog soup is puppy tears.
E is for ESL Teacher: ESL teaching is like cooking. Most people know how an oven works, but that doesn't necessarily mean they should have their own cooking show.
F is for Food: There are many interesting and delicious culinary choices throughout Asia. A lot of the foods are difficult to recognize for foreigners. they are called vegetables, you fat bastards. Don't be afraid.
G is for Gum: Bring some gum from home, because most of the gum in Asia loses it's flavor after two minutes, kind of like Jason Mraz.
H is for Human Trafficking: Sadly, there are more sex workers than there are trees in Asia. It's one of the top sellers here. The top three are electronics, rice and vaginas. Not particularly in that order.
I is for India: Arranged marriage is still a commonly practiced tradition throughout India. As opposed to the Western world, where we trade bodily fluids like baseball cards and often marry whoever we impregnate.
J is for Japan: Through "Hello Kitty" contact lenses, enjoy weird and wonderful Japan. Cucumber flavored Pepsi, anyone? How about cartoon rape? Yes, really.
K is for Karaoke: These singing rooms are very popular throughout Asia. Sometimes, the pronunciation problems of locals provide hilarious hits. "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees suddenly becomes a song about night beaver. By the way, somebody should write a song about night beaver.
L is for Language: Languages are interesting. My favorite is when someone curses at you in broken english. I was once at a bar/restaurant and there was a Korean man spitting on the floor next to our table. He was drinking. I turned to him and asked him to stop spitting. He got very agitated and said, "You, f*** my ass." Awesome.
M is for Market: Asia has "many, many" markets. They are great. At most markets in Asia, you can get a badminton racket, a watermelon and a wedding dress for less than $70.
N is for North Korea: Kim Jong-il is North Korea's "Supreme Leader." Recently, I was having a conversation with someone and they said, "Kim Jong-il is a douchebag." That's like saying Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't friendly.
O is for OMG!: Oh My God! Is that a man? Yes it is. Transvestites in Asia are a pretty puzzle, with one important piece missing. Be careful or enjoy. Your decision.
P is for Philippines: Be careful of balut. Balut is sold as streetfood in the Philippines. It is a fertilized duck or chicken egg, with a nearly developed embryo inside. It does NOT taste like chicken.
Q is for Question: "What's the difference between Asian women and Canadian women?" my younger brother asked me. "about 90 pounds," I said. I told this joke on stage awhile ago and there were several angry Canadian women in the crowd. They booed me. Well, I don't know if they were booing or mooing, but they seemed really upset.
R is for Rice: Dear Koreans, rice is NOT delicious. Thank you.
S is for Seoul: Seoul has an infamous expat area called "Itaewon." Itaewon is where lots of foreigners from all around the world gather and share STD's. Also there are some nice restaurants and cheap phone cards.
T is for Taco Bell: Taco Bell finally opened in Itaewon.
U is for Umbrellas: Using umbrellas, many Asian women hide from the sunlight in the summer like it is an abusive stepfather.
V is for Vaseline: If you work at a hagwon in Korea, you might need some.
W is for Waegukin: Waegukin is a Korean word, which generally translates into ENglish as "a foreigner who is not successful in their native country."
X is for Xenophobia: Many Asian have an exaggerated fear of foreigners. There are several things you can do to remedy their fearful feelings. First, you should smile. A smiling face is always welcomed. Also, don't rape and pillage.
Y is for Yellow Fever: Yellow fever is when a non-Asian man has a particular sexual attraction to Asian women. However, when the woman cannot speak English and the man cannot speak her native language, it's kind of like being retarded and in a relationship.
Z is for Zen: Z is also for Zig Zag, which is another way of attaining enlightenment.
